1. Bill Belichick and Robert Kraft take parting shots
In a moment that no Patriots fan had on their roast night bingo card, owner Robert Kraft and former head coach Bill Belichick took shots together on stage at the behest of host Kevin Hart. (Yes, you read that correctly.)
“You and Bill are so far apart from each other,” Hart said to Kraft after his speech, noting the distance between their seats. “I just feel like, why don’t y’all take a shot together?”
He added: “Let’s make the uncomfortable comfortable.”
Despite Belichick’s parting from the Patriots in January, the former coach joined Kraft at the podium to share a drink and a few kind words.
“I want to say, this is the greatest coach in the history of the game that did what no one else has done,” Kraft said before they drank their shots. “And having Tom Brady and him was the greatest honor the good Lord gave me.”
2. Ron Burgundy brings the burns
There was no shortage of stars at Sunday night’s roast of Brady, but the most surprising celebrity attendee to show up had to be Will Ferrell dressed up as Ron Burgundy, his legendary newscaster character from the “Anchorman” movies.
Ferrell kept up the Burgundy schtick while roasting Brady and didn’t hold back with his jokes. “I never liked you, Tom,” the former “Saturday Night Live” star said after taking the mic. “In all my years of watching professional football, I never saw a more boring quarterback.”
Of course, Brady’s divorce from Gisele Bündchen was a hot topic all night long, and Ferrell couldn’t help but sneak in a few jabs.
“Poor Gisele,” Ferrell said. “It took her 13 years to learn what we all know: Tom is boring.”
Ferrell also poked fun at the ex-NFL star’s pair of Super Bowl losses to the New York Giants, telling Brady, “You’ll always be remembered as Eli Manning’s [expletive].”
The “Anchorman” star went on to tease Brady over his involvement in the FTX crypto controversy, as well as his health and fitness brand TB12.
“Don’t worry, Tom, the nightmare is over,” Ferrell said. “You can just sit back, relax, and talk about football, invest in cryptocurrency scams, and drink your protein shakes.”
3. Bill Belichick shows he may have a second career in comedy
For all of the jokes about Belichick’s dour demeanor, the former Patriots head coach was pretty much all smiles during his surprise appearance Sunday night. In addition to appearing in the show’s cold open bit with Brady and Drew Bledsoe, Belichick took the stage to sling a few jokes of his own.
Introduced by Ferrell (and with “The Imperial March” from “Star Wars” playing as he walked to the podium), Belichick received possibly the night’s biggest round of applause. Belichick kept the laughs going as he made fun of his contentious relationship with Brady (and his personal trainer).
“You know, people have said that Tom and I have butted heads a lot,” Belichick said. “In a way that was true, but not really. It was hard to butt heads with Tom because he was so far up Alex Guerrero’s [expletive].”
Belichick also ribbed former tight end Rob Gronkowski with a joke about his new job in sports broadcasting that got a huge laugh from the crowd.
“A lot of people kind of connect me with a saying called ‘do your job,’ telling people to do their job,” Belichick said. “Gronk, I’ve been watching you on Fox NFL Sunday, and I’m begging you, please: Stop doing your job.”
4. Drew Bledsoe finds his time to shine
A number of former teammates gave Brady the business on Sunday night, including former quarterback Drew Bledsoe, who infamously lost his job to Brady back in the day.
Bledsoe was a good sport and took all the jokes about losing his job to Brady like a champ. The former Patriots and Bills quarterback also landed a few big laughs of his own at Brady’s expense.
“You have more rings than I do, but I’ve experienced a couple things that you’ll never experience,” Bledsoe said. “The feeling of being the No. 1 overall draft pick in the NFL . . . and a 28th wedding anniversary.”
5. Peyton Manning pokes fun at his old rival
Frenemy Peyton Manning got a chance to grill Brady as well, serving as the evening’s final roaster before the former Patriots star took over the mic. While Manning acknowledged his rival’s superior collection of Super Bowl rings, he also poked fun at Brady for his TB12 business issues and the whole Deflategate controversy.
“We all know Tom has five more Super Bowl rings than I do,” Manning said. “He also has more touchdowns than I do. More passing yards. More retirements. More fake hair. More TB12 bankruptcies, that is all true.”
“I remember once Tom told me numbers don’t matter,” he added. “Sure, it was right before he deleted every number in his phone because NFL investigators were about to kick down his door. But it was still nice of him to say.”
6. Nikki Glaser brings down the house with Gronk-crypto joke
While a lot of the jokes from Sunday’s roast are just too inappropriate for us to print, one line that brought the house down was Nikki Glaser’s quip about Brady’s cryptocurrency scandal.
“Tom also lost $30 million in crypto. Tom, how did you fall for that? Even Gronk was like, ‘Me know that not real money,’” Glaser said while doing an impression of Gronk that sounded like the Cookie Monster meets a Neanderthal.
The joke had Hart and Gronkowski falling out of their seats with laughter as the arena burst into applause, later giving Glaser a standing ovation when her set ended.
7. Ben Affleck goes full Patriots superfan mode
Another surprise cameo that had people talking was Patriots superfan and actor Ben Affleck, who showed up to offer his support. “You may know me as an extra from Tom’s Dunkin’ boy band Super Bowl commercial,” Affleck joked, referencing their DunKings ad.
While Affleck’s time on stage was more like a disgruntled sports radio caller going on a five-minute rant about why Brady is the best and above criticism, he couldn’t help but roast the quarterback a bit for his interception in the Super Bowl against the Falcons in 2017.
“Tom, you shoulda seen the [expletive] cornerback when you threw that pick-six in the Super Bowl against Atlanta,” Affleck said. “Actually, that was terrible. There was no excuse for that.”
8. Kim Kardashian powers through the boos
Kim Kardashian got in on the fun as well Sunday night, although she was greeted with a rough reception by the crowd after Hart introduced her to the stage. After powering through the initial boos, Kardashian found her footing and cracked a few jokes of her own.
The reality TV star earned laughs (and groans) when she addressed rumors of her dating Brady, saying it would never work out because he reminds Kardashian of Caitlyn Jenner. Kardashian added that Jenner can serve as an example for how Brady can navigate his post-NFL career.
“She’s one of the best athletes in the world who proved you can do anything in this next chapter of your life,” Kardashian said. “You can become a commentator, a far-right Republican, or even a strong, confident woman.”
“I think it’s so great the way that you’re showing everyone that, even after winning seven Super Bowls, you can still have a midlife crisis,” she added. “Honestly it’s hard for me to watch people roast you, but I think enough of my family members have helped defend former football players.”
9. Jeff Ross gets a talking to over Robert Kraft joke
As the “Roastmaster General,” comedian Jeff Ross is a veteran of celebrity roasts, so it’s no surprise that he showed up to push some buttons on Sunday night. In one of the show’s more controversial segments, Ross channeled the late O.J. Simpson as he arrived on stage, saying, “the juice is loose tonight.”
If that wasn’t enough, Ross also stirred the pot with an Aaron Hernandez joke that received an audible gasp from the crowd and various Patriots players onstage.
“What’s up, Patriots, I just came from hell,” Ross said. “Aaron Hernandez says hello.”
But the joke that really got Ross in trouble (with Brady at least) was his quip that touched on Kraft’s Florida massage parlor scandal. Ross joked that Brady asked Kraft if he wanted a massage during their first meeting after Brady was drafted.
While the former Patriots quarterback smirked at the joke, he quickly walked up to Ross on stage and could be heard saying, “Don’t say that [expletive] again,” in the comedian’s ear.
10. Kevin Hart doesn’t hold back as host
As the night’s host, Hart had plenty of opportunities to make fun of Brady, something he seemed to relish as a diehard Eagles fan. From jokes about his divorce from Bündchen to dropping f-bombs at Brady’s expense throughout the night, Hart wasn’t afraid to dig in.
While some of his jokes were hit or miss (see his opening bit about Joe Montana or his Antonio Brown joke), Hart got a nice response from the crowd during a poignant moment where he praised Belichick for coming out to support Brady.
“Way to come out and be supportive tonight,” Hart said to the cheer of the crowd. “I love it.”
Niceties aside, Hart mostly used his time to roast anyone and everyone at the event (including stars in the crowd like UFC president Dana White and comedian Chelsea Handler). Gronk was a particular target all night long..
“Gronk scares me,” Hart said after witnessing the former NFL star spike a shot glass. “He scares me.”
11. Gronk goes wild
Pretty much all of Gronk’s jokes at the roast were too expletive-filled to recount here, but suffice it to say, it sounded like the filter was completely off as he roasted his former teammates.
Gronk brought the party, providing shot glasses for Brady, Belichick, and himself, inviting them to imbibe together.
“Tonight we’re doing a [expletive] shot baby,” Gronk shouted.
12. Tom Brady punches back
Having endured nearly three hours of jokes at his expense, the night ended with Brady getting his turn to fire back. He kicked things off by taking Manning to task.
“Peyton, thank you so much for coming out to L.A. to do this,” he said. “I know sometimes you live in Denver, sometimes you live in Louisiana, but you’ll always live in my shadow.”
He added, “When I heard there was a slow, white Bronco heading down the 405 to come here tonight, I thought we might actually see a real football legend.”
Brady went even further with his edgy humor, getting a few groans as he made a Hernandez joke while talking about Gronk’s abilities on the field.
“Gronk was actually useful on the field,” Brady said. “Although the bar for Patriot tight ends was pretty low back then: Block. Catch. Don’t murder.”
Overall, it seemed like Brady wanted to make it known that he was done with all the haters and trash talkers.
“I got one thing to say: Lose my number,” Brady said. “[Expletive] them all, baby!”
